'Real Women'

I was browsing Facebook a few days ago and saw one of those spammy, viral pictures that get passed around like a bad cold every now and then. Social media and media in general love to sell ridiculous lists of what 'Real Women' do:

Real Women watch football.
Real Women work and raise a family.
Real Women never have a day off because they are at home with their children.
Real Women run through the pain.
Real Women eat pizza for breakfast.
Real Women vote (fill in the blank).
Real Women act like a lady.
Real Women cuss like sailors.
Real Women...

You know what REAL WOMEN do? Real women support each other and refuse to invent/promote bullcrap rules about what 'real women' do. Real women prevail over the social constructs, class systems, and self-obsession that demand we find fault in our differences. Real women LOVE - themselves and others and anything they very well please. Because real women are real people. And they are complicated and simple and beautiful and without bounds.

Backlog Blog Lag

Hi, everyone! I give this greeting in the remote hope that I am not just talking to myself.

As you can tell, I went on a summer hiatus. I took a truckload of classes and have been working my tush off, but we all are, right?  GET OFF MY BACK, THESE ARE VALID EXCUSES!
Ahem...anyway, I really want to get back on the blog train. We just hosted a pretty cool party I'd love to tell you about, I am refurbishing an adorable table I found in the dumpster (grad student win), and we're gearing up to really kick our half marathon training up a notch. The students returned which means I left town as quickly as possible. Really my grandfather turned 80 so I went home to celebrate that.

I always have mixed feelings about school starting back. I am looking forward to getting back into my own routine, but I also kind of love it during the summer when only the full-time residents are around. For those who ever lived on campus over the summer or in a "college town," you understand that unspoken inner head-nod everyone seems to share once the students have cleared. However, autumn is my favorite season. I'm looking forward to football games, that certain smell around October when the wind starts getting cooler (it's Mississippi; I take what I can get), and all the best holidays. This is the most disjointed post but I have great plans for perfectly relevant and sensible posts for the future, I promise!

Until then, be kind to each creature!

Out of Sync

Someone re-posted this video of 32 metronomes that all start out of sync but end up affecting each other so that they eventually achieve synchronization. It's a pretty interesting watch so here you go:

This is nothing particularly new or mind-blowing, but I appreciate science and watching this made my gears turn. Like any bored individual might, I browsed through the comments (the video I watched was posted to iO9). Watching this video reminded me instantly of the idea of "groupthink." One comment from "science4thewin" stated simply, "order from disorder without the interaction of a 'god.'" Of course, I have some disagreements with this comment. After some careful consideration, here is what I'm sure will come across as a rambling response.

First, I do believe God has interacted and continues to interact with Creation. That said, my question was, "Does our Creator interact with us with the intention of achieving synchronization?" My immediate and, I think, final answer is a solid NO. Just as the Creator is infinitely creative, so is Creation. Creation is not just a noun, it is also a verb (I would argue that the latter is the more important). Creation didn't just happen, it is happening. The Creator didn't finish the work to resign and wait for us to fall into synchronization. This is a process referred to as "locking" by the engineers of the Millenium Bridge in London. Here's a video of what happened when it opened.

Because of the way the bridge behaved, the pedestrians changed the way they walked which ended with thousands of people walking in a side-to-side motion that made the bridge sway significantly. We often react to what surrounds us and, like the metronomes or the people on the bridge, we lock in with each other and fall in sync with each other. However, I would argue that in our actions and in my life as a Christian, we have something that metronomes don't have. Free will. Unlike metronomes and crowds on bridges and planets and entire galaxies, our actions are not always dictated by the physical laws of our world. This is another way in which the creature/creation conflicts with itself. We are created to live beyond the laws of physics and nature, but we are also of this world and, thus, we often apply these laws to our metaphysical existence.

Here's an example. When it comes to peace, we often are so confounded in how to achieve it that we comply with the laws of physics and instead of equity, we settle for sameness. For the same reason that our finite-ness leads to us applying physical law to the non-physical, we apply the same laws to each other. Take any utopian/dystopian novel or story. Think Brave New World, The Giver, or "Harrison Bergeron." In each story, the characters' lives are dictated by rules that intend to equalize every citizen of their world (all except, of course, the people making those rules). It is completely involuntary and it always takes some kind of crisis event for one or more individuals in these worlds to overcome this oppressive equality. Sometimes, it overwhelms them altogether.

Order certainly has it's place and I am not proposing that Christians should "go against the current" just for the sake of being different. However, we have the right, privilege, and duty in many cases to exercise our will. I have a deep appreciation for the physical Creation that so often orders itself through synchronization, gravity, natural selection, and other such forces. But we are called to operate beyond these forces. We advocate for the weak and systematically disadvantaged; we strive to defy the impossibilities of yesterday; we urge ourselves not to "conform but to be transformed."

The metronomes have no will. They can't choose to be out of sync. Even the last one on the right in the second row eventually succumbs to the pendulum swing. We can choose to act instead of react. The example I choose to follow is that set by Jesus. He is the ultimate interaction between our Creator and Creation. Not just the interaction of "a 'god,'" but of the God.

Dios Bendiga

For the majority of the past week I was in Campeche, Mexico with Living Waters for the World on a mission to teach local residents how to properly use the water filtration system and clean water. The small group we went with was comprised of my pastor, a member of our church, my roommate, and myself. This was my first real mission trip. I have done alternative breaks and the like, but never a real mission trip. Going into it, I wasn't sure what to expect at all. I had common images of what one would refer to as a "village" in my mind. I remember wondering if I should even wear my simple daily jewelry for fear of both seeming out of touch and of losing it. The hotel we where we stayed had all the basic commodities, wi-fi included. The city itself was as nice as any (and somewhat nicer) than the ones close to me here in Mississippi. The way that the country of Campeche is arranged geographically, most of the higher SES population is found in the lower elevations closer to the water. The higher up you go into the hills, the poorer the residents. Our partner church was right outside the heart of the historic downtown area and, like our hotel, was not very unlike any other here in the U.S.

The water that the new filtration system will produce will be used to serve those who live near this church as well as the mission churches they have planted in the hills for the poorer populations. In this kind of set-up, we don't serve as a drop off service but, instead, we strive to create and maintain relationships with our friends in Mexico. We are a part of a ripple effect that helps other help themselves and those who have even less than they.

On the way back from our trip, our pastor asked us to consider what it meant to both be a blessing and to be blessed so that we could share that with our church this Sunday. On the plane ride I wrote down a few of my thought and I wanted to share some of them here.

Although I could see our positive impact we made, I don't feel like I would go so far as to call myself or my presence in this trip a "blessing." I mostly just hope that I was in some way a vessel of God's love for the world. I spent most of the trip feeling incredibly insufficient and incompetent. My Spanish is limited at best so communication was no simple task. Had it not been for our wonderful translator, teaching the daily lessons would have been impossible. That said, we soon found other ways to communicate. My roommate and I brushed up on the Spanish we learned in our undergrad years and managed to hold brief conversations. We connected through music, kindness, laughter, and food. Especially through food.

And that's where we switched from "being a blessing" to "being blessed." I was blessed by every act of generosity and patience, both of which were more than hourly occurrences. I have never met such hospitable and gracious people in my life. They constantly told us how grateful they were for us and for our service, but it was me who was grateful. Despite our lack of language skills, we were met with compassion and love and kindness to a degree that I rarely experience in my day-to-day life. Whether I was a blessing or not, the Spirit of God was undeniably present throughout our trip. I am convinced, now more than ever, that we are all truly created in the image of God. And for that, I feel deeply blessed.

P.S. Pictures to come soon!

It Really Bugs Me When...

Christian artists sings songs with unclear and possibly harmful messages about God. I was listening to K-LOVE last week (because I had forgotten to grab my iPod) and I heard this song with a lyric that basically said, "I could write the most beautiful song in the world and it still wouldn't be enough."

And I was like,

Now, I know that they probably meant, "I could write the most beautiful song in the world and it still wouldn't be enough to reflect how amazing You are." But it comes across that our best and most beautiful creations are "not enough...for God." Like God is some judgmental critic, sticking his nose in the air when we sing off key or write a poem that doesn't deserve a Nobel Prize. (However, I do think God wants you to stop letting children speak/sing-talk 1/3 of your songs. Please.)

Which is why I love the message behind Amy Grant's "Better Than a Hallelujah." Yes, we should do our best for God, whatever our endeavors. However, artists need to be careful when they push the message that us and our various ways of glorifying God are insufficient.

No, there is no way that we as faulted creature/creations can fully express the immense glory of our Creator. However, our Creator made us in His image so whatever we do, if it's to glorify Him and his Creation, then it is "enough."

This is not my most eloquent post, but I think you all get the gist of what I'm saying. Any thoughts?

"It is no bad thing to celebrate a simple life."

"It is no bad thing to celebrate a simple life."

                               - Bilbo Baggins

I'm very drawn to the idea of living simply. It's one of the major reasons I have remained a vegetarian (which I promise I'll discuss in length some other time). I'm not really sure if there is one way to sum up simple living. As naturally complicated creatures, it's very easy to project our inner intricacies to our exterior lives. The world is not always simple. We learn this every time we turn on the news. How can we be simple in a world that demands us to constantly multitask?

For me, simplicity is not defined as avoiding deep thought or engagement in our local and global community. Much to the contrary, I think those things encourage me to live simply. I think it comes down to prioritizing what you consider essential in your life. In their song "Heaven Go Easy on Me," The Head and Heart says, "It is that the good life is a simple one? Sittin' in the yard watchin' the leaves go by. Reading good books and playing songs." That may be a dramatically reduced summation, but I think it reflects how I would define the simple life. We simplify our lives when we focus all of our endeavors toward achieving the goals that we have for ourselves. I ask myself, "Will X allow me to grow spiritually, intellectually, emotionally? Will doing X allow me to serve others? Would I regret not doing X?"

For Bilbo, the simple life is eating good food and enjoying the company of his friends and loved ones. Isn't that a fairly universal goal? You don't have to become a super-vegan, zero-waste, only-own-3-outfits kind of person to live a simple life. You just have to remove the clutter of the non-essentials in your life. Simplicity isn't hard when you have a core of inner peace to take shelter in when everything else is screaming for your money, attention, and energy.

How do you simplify your life?

Grad School Brings Out My Inner Gollum

I don't know about you guys, but here's the list of things I am capable of doing when I'm hungry: NOTHING. I'm fairly sure that Gollum/Smeagol is my spirit animal.

When my stomach starts growling right before my 6 pm class starts:





Then 15 minutes into class, my stomach wails:





And I answer questions and engage in discussion like a good student but on the inside I'm all:





Until I finally get home to a nice home-cooked bowl of cereal:




On the weekends, I'm Smeagol. The end.

Your Story is Important

I've been recently fascinated by the idea of storytelling. It's something we tend to forget as we age. Kids are always telling these wildly detailed and often embellished stories about even the simplest things. The more we grow, the more we start thinking that telling our stories is selfish and unnecessary. And because of this, our stories have less and less meaning.

In reality, our stories should mean more every day. As our lives go on, our stories become less about my trip to the zoo and more about that time my best friend told me she was having a baby or when I found out my loved one had cancer or when I did something on my bucket list that I thought I'd never do. Our stories mean something. I have realized that I began stripping the power from the things that once meant a lot to me. Some of this was due to fear of vulnerability, some of it due to a lack of self-confidence that anybody even cared to hear my story. We don't like to burden our friends and family with the things that we can hardly say out loud.

No longer, friends.

We can't afford to hide ourselves away from the ones we love. I am done with telling myself that I should be able to heal on my own. I'm done with marginalizing the fear and pain that I have endured in secret. I'm done with hiding in the dark when I have already been told time and time again, "You are loved no matter what." My Creator didn't make me to hide. I was made to live in love - boldly, joyously, and without fear.

Until this week, I thought that to really "tell" your story you had to go all out. Ellen DeGeneres (a member of my celebrity must-hug-before-I-die list) announced her sexual orientation on her television series. She didn't want to live in fear and hide who she was anymore. I thought I had to do the same (luckily I don't have my own tv show.) But that's not everyone's journey. Every story has a different nature. I have told my most personal and painful story to three people now. I thought I needed to do more but it suddenly dawned on me that I didn't have to do anything. I have given my story to those whom I trust and to those whom I needed to know.

Not all of us need to shout our stories from the mountaintop. Just the telling itself can be incredibly life-giving. I started by simply typing mine out. I shook as I did it and made myself read it several times through so I could digest what I had done. And it was amazing. Now I'm moving forward.

If you have a story inside of you, find a way to tell it. The thing about burdens is that they decrease as you share them. As one who is often on the receiving end of my loved ones' stories I can assure you, it is an honor to have that trust. Don't let yourself think you are a burden and that your story isn't worth telling. As Maya Angelou said, "There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you."

Be kind to each creature, including yourself.

What's a Creature to Do?

My roommate and I saw half a dozen people on the side of the road yesterday afternoon. Several of them had packs or shopping carts full of their belongings. As naturally empathetic people, we both wished we knew what to do. But we were hopelessly unhelpful. We had no cash; we didn't intend on offering our apartment to someone who may not be trustworthy; we didn't have any idea of resources they could turn to for food or shelter.

What's a creature to do?

I'm always struggling between being a fearless disciple and using my God-given judgement to avoid unfruitful or dangerous situations. Sometime, all I can do is pray. I do think it's important, though, to be aware of what I can offer. Even if I can't give up my bed in the interest of my safety and the safety of my neighbors, I can at least increase my awareness of what resources exist in my community for those in need.

I don't have the capacity to save everyone from the hardships they will endure. I also don't have the right to judge others about what got them into their situations. In every situation, however, I can and will speak to my Creator. I often end my prayers with a plea to "help me to help others." It is so easy to feel overwhelmed by the sadness and pain in the world, but recovery is a two-way road. I don't expect God to swoop into every situation like Superman and save the day so that we never suffer just as I know that God also does not forsake us. That's why our Maker created hearts like mine, my roommate's, and many others' - hearts that are given to compassion and mercy.

The next step side is to use that motivation to gain knowledge about how to apply it. We are the hands and feet. We can't afford to clumsily throw cash and one-time offerings at our fellow creatures. We have to listen to them; challenge our precepts and judgments; and meet the need so that it glorifies our loving Creator, not us.

I don't always know how to put that to action but I can certainly pray about it until I have a greater understanding. Any thoughts?

In kindness,
Noelle

The Servitude of Parenting (from a daughter's perspective)

As one of those girls who doesn't really have "make and raise children" on my List of Top Priorities, it has taken me a long time to understand my friends who feel just the opposite. There's this strange idea that you have to choose one or the other. We tend to stigmatize women based on what they want to do for the rest of their lives. If you work, that's all you can do. If you have a family (which is culturally defined as having a husband and children), that's all you can do. There is no in-between. Even for "working mothers," there's still that emphasis. We never hear, "She's a woman with a career and a family." She is, above all, a "mother" who just also happens to be working. If you're a husband and father with a job, you're a man who "provides for his family" rather than a "working father." Goodness forbid you're a full-time dad.

I have always battled in my own mind against succumbing to this flawed idea that women (and people in general) have to be categorized one way or the other.

Amidst all these stereotypes and stigmas, I've never felt that "call" to be a parent, working or otherwise. I just have absolutely zero desire to ever be pregnant or give birth. Not to mention that I often try to "call" small children by clicking my tongue and patting my legs. (I apologize now if I have ever referred to your child as "it" rather than "he" or "she." I promise it's not intentional.)

Now that I'm reaching into my independent adulthood, I have softened some to the idea of adopting. But even then, I'm going to need a whole lot of help and right now, I am very much not in a place to make that a short-term goal. Having a family is still way in the distant future.

However, I have matured in my appreciation of parents, especially mothers. I have realized that it is one of the purest forms of servitude possible. In all the roles that humans play and in all the millions of types of relationships we have, our parents - good, bad, active, absent, biological or adopted - are possibly the most integral to our growth. Your parents make an impact throughout your entire life, not just until you move out. It's a job you can never really quit.

I used to balk at the idea of being "called to be a mother" like it was some ultimate purpose that I wasn't worthy of. Or else, that is was a divine assignment. But it's not like that. When my friends say that becoming a parent was what they were meant to do, they don't mean that that's all they can do. It doesn't even mean it's the thing they are absolutely the best at. It's a process and a blessing. It's an immense responsibility and a privilege. For many, it is the role in which they best glorify their Creator.

Motherhood is a truly sacred role to play in this life. Women bear the brunt of discrimination, abuse, suffering, and pain worldwide. There are certain kinds of pain that only a mother will have to endure. And mothers bear it time and time again without thanks.

My own mother truly taught me through the way she lives and the way she loves my brother and me that there is no greater servitude than being a parent. She is completely selfless, unfailingly forgiving, and always puts the needs of her children before her own.

What other relationship can speak so directly to our relationship with God.? How often does our Father/Mother/Creator have to allow us to make mistakes so that we can finally understand ourselves, our world, and our Creator? How often does God watch us inflict pain on one another and how often do we ignore our duty to love our brothers and sisters? But just as my mom celebrated me from making unearthly noises with a cello and calling it music to graduating from college, our Creator celebrates every moment of tenderness, love, kindness, and peace we create with each other.

I certainly believe that we can see God when we look at each other. There are so many mothers that, when I look at them - their lives, their heartaches, their unending grace and love - I see God. Not every mother or father in your life is the person who shares your genes, but they are there. There are women I know who are literally mothers to the world. I can name about half a dozen professors and professionals from my undergrad who fit this bill perfectly. They may or may not have children of their own, but everyone they meet is treated as if they were family.

So this is my huge and vastly incomplete THANK YOU to all parents. Everyone who has ever loved a child. Everyone who has put the needs of another before your own. Everyone who has loved someone who may be incapable of returning that love or favor.

You are providing us with the ultimate model of servitude. Thank you.

In Which I Hear Exactly What I Needed To Hear

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are both on my celebrity short-list of people I probably could not resist bear-hug tackling should I meet them. I cannot begin to express the many ways in which these two women are heroes for so many. This post, sent to me from my roommate and best friend, here to eat catfish, was exactly what I needed to follow up my last post. Thank you, ladies, for giving me hope. Wherever you are, 'I want to go to there.'

An Acceptable Time

I should probably be waiting a little time to write this post, but I want this to be as fresh as possible. In the Career Counseling class I just got out of, we participated in guided imagery in which we were asked to imagine ourselves at the bottom of a staircase. We noticed what our surroundings were, what the staircase looked like, and how long the staircase was. We then "climbed" each step. As we imagined this, we were asked to imagine that each step was a year. One step up, one year gone. By the time we reached the top, we were ten years into our future. Before us was a door. We looked at the door and took note of what color it was and what it was made of. 

Up to this point, I was fairly relaxed. My stairs were a well-polished oak with thick and just-so-slightly stylized rails. But where was my staircase? IN SPACE. I wasn't anywhere, I was just in space. There weren't planets or anything around me. It was just black with faint, sparkling stars all around in the distance. There was nothing behind or below me. And at the top of the staircase? Well, that was the worst part.

As I imagined myself climbing up the years of my life, my mental image of what each year looked like became more and more vague. My breathing grew quicker and more shallow. I knew that I had no idea what I would find at the top. After we finally "opened" the door, we were asked to look around and describe the room we were in. My thoughts were increasingly leaning toward, "I'm doing this completely wrong. There is definitely a malfunction in my brain. What is wrong with me?"

Because when I opened the red, wooden door to see what my life would look like in ten years this is what I saw:

NOTHING

It was horrifying. There was only blackness. It was emptier than the space I had just been surrounded by. We looked at this image for several minutes. In that time, nothing solidified. The few glimpses of images I did catch were just that - glimpses. Nothing certain. Nothing whole.

As we closed the door and came back down the staircase and back into reality, I came out of the exercise not "calm and pleasant" as the exercise prompted, but shaken. Very. Thoroughly. Shaken.

Here I am, getting my master's degree so I can help students find their paths and I have no future. There's nothing at the top of my staircase.

We were asked to draw a picture of what we saw behind our door. I could only draw myself with a compass that pointed nowhere and several roads laid out in front of me. One led to a college setting where my current trajectory most naturally is pointing. One led abroad to an undisclosed location where I would be doing goodness knows what. The other path led to a giant purple question mark. It was the most honest road and certainly the most frightening.

I had to carefully consider what this meant for me. As my classmates discussed who was with them on their staircase, I thought about my alone-ness. As they talked about the decor of their room behind the door, I thought about that empty chasm that made me physically tremble.

I had no answers. I'm supposed to know what my life will be like in 10 years - at least somewhat, right? But I didn't see a single solid thing. So, I asked God. I was afraid and I turned to my Creator, pleading for some peace. And what I got back was:

"In an acceptable time."

I was desperate to know what was at the top of my staircase. Over an hour later, it still makes me shake to think of that absolute void I gazed into behind the red wooden door. But what I heard in my heart from the One who made me was that all things would be clear in an acceptable time. 

This is surely not the first nor will it be the last time that I will have a question with no answer. But Jesus never answered a question without love for the asker. Yes, he often would turn the question around on that person because they had some ulterior motive for asking or he would tell a story and let that person come to the answer on his or her own terms. Today was a time in which I got a simple, straightforward but still hard to swallow answer. The one that I have already talked about and constantly struggle with when it comes to myself and my life. 

Wait. 

All will be clear in an acceptable time.

Not in 15 minutes. 

           Not in a week. 

                 Not in a month.

 But when I am ready to accept the answer, I will know the answer. So, although it is not natural or easy, I am trusting my Creator. I will take one step at a time. Not a step that spans one year, but a step that spans one breath. That's all I can do.

There's nothing at the top of my staircase - AND THAT'S OKAY. It doesn't mean that I have no future. It doesn't mean that I have no purpose. It just means that I simply don't know yet. Not knowing is incredibly scary, but in the darkness of the valley of doubt and fear, I know that I am taken care of by the One who is making all things work for my good.

For further listening:

Sparrow & O My Soul - Audrey Asaad

Please Be My Strength - Gungor

Doubting Thomas - Nickel Creek

I'm Getting Ready - Michael Kiwanuka

Retreat

I can feel myself needing one. Needing a retreat. I've always thought that was a strange term. We don't usually like to imagine ourselves "retreating." It sounds an awful lot like giving up and surrendering. But it's also not a pleasure cruise. Jesus didn't walk into the desert to redeem a gift card for a 40-day spa and hot rock massage get-away. Recently baptized and 'full of the spirit,' he ate nothing and was tempted by the devil the whole time. Not much of a vacation.

Let's be honest, this little creature is not about to go wandering into the desert (or to Gulf Coast, since that's about as close as I can get to the desert) and go 40 days without eating. Then again, I ain't Jesus. But we are called to be like him. I'm giving up the things that keep me from fully loving God, myself, and others. Not all at once, of course, but I am making an effort. Like what they say about eating an elephant (or like eating a 6-foot cucumber, since I don't eat meat) - you do it one bite at a time.

I'm chipping away at the little bricks that I've laid around my heart in an effort to use this Lent as a withdrawal not from the world, but from what the bad things in this world have led to in my life. I'm reassessing the defenses I've formed against future attacks of pain, loss, guilt, and regret. But even in the midst of Lent, I find myself getting lost in the work of Lent and not spending enough time processing it all.

I need a break from the noise spinning around the Lenten bubble I'm living in right now. I have made real changes in my daily life, but there's always that nagging routine.

Eat, work, class, eat, meeting, study, eat, sleep (optional). 

Repeat at least 5 times weekly for best results.

That's why I am starting to believe more and more in the power of meditative prayer. The whole reason I'm focusing my efforts this Lent on processing the things I've ignored is because I never have before. I can't risk falling back into that habit. To power a change in lifestyle I have to change my daily process. I'm building upon my new routines day by day. And now, I'm feeling the strain. It's not the strain of Lent itself, it's the strain from the friction between my outgoing habits and the incoming new ones.

It's the kind of thing that makes me want to go all Into the Wild on my life. Not that I don't think I'd look amazing with a sunburn and a beard, but I don't need that much of a retreat. I just need a breath. A time to sit still and re-synchronize my spirit with the quiet Voice that calls me along. The thing is, I honestly don't have time to just pause everything for a weekend. I literally won't be free until April. I'm going to have to find a way to create a mini-retreat for myself right here in the space I'm already in. 

I think it's just another lesson that this Lent is teaching me. I can't always rely on there being a natural ebb to my daily business. Sometimes, to take time away you've got to fight for it and create it.

How is your Lent (or just your life) going? How do you find/make the time to retreat and be still?

For further listening:

Presence of the Lord - Lizz Wright

Cold is the Night - The Oh Hello's

To Be Alone with You - Sufjan Stevens

Handle With Care

I was thinking about the points I made in my last post about what I want to focus on for Lent this year. This is what happened. I guess I needed it. As my much more eloquent friend, Virginia, put it:

"Though I already know my weaknesses, writing them down makes them more concrete and real."

Her post is beautifully honest and it inspired me to finally write down some of the things I can't bring myself to say or acknowledge most of the time. I guess I was due for a poem. It's not the best piece of poetry ever written. It isn't cleaned up or carefully crafted. It's just what was in my head. I hope you don't mind my sharing.

*   *   *   *   *   *

Handle with Care

Love is patient and love is kind 

and I try to look like love to everyone I meet,

but if love keeps no record of wrongs then

I don't see that love in me.

I despise myself for being weak.

I despise myself for every fault.

I despise myself for the things that I've done.

I despise myself most for feeling this way at all.

Friends console me and tell me it's not true.

It's just something that every creature works out.

But ears that can't hear love certainly won't hear the truth.

And while I struggle against my ropes, I drive the stakes further into the ground.

More often than not, I refer instead, 

with a nod, to the crosses I bear and

the marks they have left - like a rubber stamp

on my heart that reads: HANDLE WITH CARE.

I am begging for the grace that I so easily give away

but I forgive myself half as often as I fail.

Please, come break me and draw out the poison.

Remind me that hate is a veil.

I need You to remake me and re-create me

and teach me to love what I should,

so that when I behold your creation I can look on it

and say, at last, "It is good."

Laid Bare

The Lenten devotional companion I'm reading was based on John 8:3-11 yesterday. It's the story of Jesus stopping the crowd from stoning a woman charged with adultery. There is plenty to say about this story, but mostly it just made me think about how often I tend to throw stones during Lent. I usually keep them to myself but I know that even thinking negative things about others ends up affecting how I act.

It's so easy to point out what I think other people should do in observation of Lent. I can list off what takes up time in others' lives or what their bad habits are. However, when it comes to picking out what fat I need to cut from my life, I always end up making a last-minute decision that I barely remember.

This year, I'm trying to look at things differently. I was talking to my friend about it the other day. The conversation went at such:

                      Me: I always forget to do a self-assessment before Ash Wednesday.
                      Friend: You still can.
                      Me: Yeah, but I always get to Ash Wednesday and go, "Oh yeah, it's Lent now...I should      
                      figure something out."
                      Friend: Hahaha, I completely understand. For me though, a self-assessment happens
                      throughout the year. I notice how I have changed and developed and how that has
                      created my identity. It's progressive for me.

Her words really got me thinking about the purpose of Lent in general and for me. It's not just about taking a break then diving right back into my former life. And it's definitely not about pointing out the speck in my neighbor's eye. It should be transformational and meaningful and personal. Lent is important like any holiday or season because it serves as a reminder to be intentional about our own growth. This year, I've felt God pleading with me to drop my guard. In the Sunday before Lent, my pastor reminded us that Lent is a time to "lay bare" all the things that we are ashamed and afraid of. I used to think that I needed to have all this done before Lent so that I would know what to focus on during my 40 days in the desert.

This year, the laying bare is the focus of my journey. Not always can I be certain of what I want the outcome to be. But I know for sure that if I stick to my purpose of completely revealing my heart to my Creator, to those I love, and (maybe most importantly) to myself, I will be changed. There is no doubt about that.

How does it feel so far? It's horrifying. BUT it's also extraordinarily liberating. These are some of the things I am doing/taking into consideration this Lent in order to be laid bare by the desert:

1. Self-talk - I tend to have very negative self-talk and I know what a great evil that can be in one's life. My first step is to recognize it when it happens. My final outcome will hopefully be to greatly diminish or completely eradicate it's control of my thoughts and self-esteem. I will dare to love myself.

2. What I give my time, energy, and money to - I have cut down the time I'm allowing myself on social media. Mostly, this pertains to Facebook for me. I am not an addict, but there are times that I get on and just look at the screen like you look into the pantry even when you're not hungry. I also want to allocate that time to things I wish I had time for like reading, songwriting, fishing, and praying. You are what you do. I'm also cutting down on how often I eat out to twice a month. I have a tuition to pay, after all. Foregoing my trip to that Mexican restaurant will not kill me.

3. Opening up - Some of the steps going into this are going to be more personal endeavors than I'm willing to share in detail here. But just having this blog is a huge part of my commitment to sharing my thoughts. Often my excuse is that what I'm feeling and thinking and doing are not worth sharing (See #1). I'm changing that.

4. Seeking God - Again, this is not something I only want to do for 40 days. As my friend so wisely said, it should progressive. Therefore, I am using this Lenten season to immerse myself more deeply in God's Word and in things that help me understand myself, my beliefs, and my purpose. My hope is that this will help reset my mental and spiritual appetite. Instead of craving the junk food of unchallenging and unnecessary information, I'm focusing on the essentials.

My (slightly inappropriate) motivating quote for this Lenten undertaking comes from the great philosopher, wood-worker, and carnivore, Ron Swanson:

Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.

Until next time, be kind to each creature.

Ash Wednesday

Growing up Catholic, Ash Wednesday and the season of Lent have always meant a lot to me. Today, I didn't go to a morning service to receive my ashes. I'm hoping to do this by the end of the day. Part of the reason is to more or less check it off my "Lent task-list." However, a newer and deeper part of me knows the meaning of it and I want to commit to this season of Lent by starting it off with this important sign. As Preston Yancey shared today on A Deeper Story:

"These ashes aren't magic. These ashes are a sign. A sign, like baptism, that it is time to go into the desert."

As my pastor was talking to my friends and I last Sunday, we likened Ash Wednesday and Lent to what Gandalf called, "The deep breath before the plunge." Unlike a final battle for all of Middle-earth, our plunge is into the celebration of Easter and the overwhelming triumph of Life and Love.

I hope that even if you are foregoing a formal Ash Wednesday service, you are in some way preparing your spirit for the "deep breath" and the trip "into the desert." My slow inhale is just starting. As usual, I let the season sneak up on me and now I'm running around my brain trying to organize the things I will take on and give up for this Lent. It seems to get harder every year. But at the same time, it is more meaningful when I stick to it. As my roommate says, sometimes we have to go to an opposite extreme of our normal routine to find that middle ground. 

It's how we balance out being actively in the world without being of the world.

This season, I'm aiming to shed some of my worldly weight and do some thorough housekeeping of my soul. I'm going to take the opportunity to let the desert teach me about necessity, fear, and freedom. The kind of freedom you can only get when you truly give yourself over to Love. I'm going to let it lay me bare. I want to talk more about that later. For now, I hope you all have a blessed Ash Wednesday.

*   *   *   *   *

What do you think about Lent? What does it mean to you? Are you giving up/taking on anything really bizarre or difficult this year?

The Hamster Wheel and the Wait

This time last year, I was fully submerged in the rapids of student-teaching. It wasn't an altogether negative experience. It wasn't a day at the fair, either. Of course, coming to the deep, undeniable realization that I did not want to teach made each day a challenge. But I did it well enough, I gave complete effort to providing good lessons for my students, and I trudged onward. Toward the end of the spring semester, I began looking more to the future. I had applied to a grand total of one graduate school to pursue a degree in Higher Education Student Affairs (you don't have to have a master's degree to have affairs with students, but I hear it helps).

Worst. Decision.

Now, this was totally against my nature. I am not the most meticulous planner in the world, but I do like to know what my next steps are. I still can't really explain why I only applied to one school. To drive the lesson home, I was rejected weeks after driving hours and hours to participate in a whirlwind preview day/rapid-fire interview process. It broke my heart. I felt incompetent; I felt like a failure. So, I made the next logical step and applied to teach overseas with a Christian-based company I had never heard of before. One application and phone interview later, I was accepted. Luckily, I chose not to go that route, either. A mentor of mine alerted me to the fact that the university in the town next to the one in which I was completing my undergrad degree was still accepting folks for their Student Affairs program.

I am happy where I am now that I'm here, but at the time, I applied to that program with equal parts shame and chagrin. I wanted to go somewhere. It felt like I was making a lateral move and instead of getting a 'real life,' I was just moving 30 minutes down the road.

Things have worked out and I'm happy with my decision. I am not wasting resources and, instead, I'm trying to be intentional about getting the most out of my time here. It's going very well.
 
                                                                      *    *    *    *    *

I have thought about how things worked out and how they all coincided with the backdrop of my life. I was in fairly new territory spiritually. I had recently converted from being a lifelong Catholic and joined the Presbyterian Church (PC-USA, if you care to know). I was really happy with that decision and I felt God urging me on in my path toward self-awareness and spiritual growth. Around the same time, I became a pesceterian and had also taken up running. The new diet stuck. The running came and went like Kramer. Last semester, I finally buckled down and started training for a 5k. It went really well but after the race, I quit. I let myself replace the time I spent running with other things.

Now, I'm running again. My body is remembering how to do it quicker than it did last semester and I'm really trying to stay diligent. Every time I run, the same thought occurs to me. God has been training me for a marathon for a while now. Spiritually, relationship-wise, physically, emotionally, academically - God's been telling me:

"Be patient, little one. Don't wear yourself out sprinting; pace yourself. Wait."

Oh, that word. WAIT. Do we ever like to hear it? Not unless you know something bad's about to happen. "Wait! The dancing bears are still limbering up in the tent. Don't remove the stakes!" But when you're young and ready for something new, saying no to it and moving on to something a lot smarter but a lot less exciting can be frustrating. Sometimes I feel like a little hamster just panting inside my wheel and getting nowhere. But I know that's not true. As I train my body to endure longer and longer distances, I'm training myself to be patient with my life. I'm not always going to have the satisfying structure of school to mandate which direction I go in next. I'm learning to wait. In the meantime, I'm seeking to strengthen the weak points of my life. I'm taking care of my body, I'm pursuing a closer communion with God and my fellow creations, and I'm trying be more patient with myself and my shortcomings. When it's time to make the next big change in my life, I'll be ready.

The call to 'be still' is sometimes much harder to answer than the call to boldly leap forward. So I'm learning to pace myself and listen to my Creator. As with familiarizing yourself with a new place, the best way to soak in your surroundings and get your bearings is to be patient and slow down. Pace yourself. Wait.

This Little Light of Mine

I was coming out of a meeting with a friend of mine and as we got in her car, I spotted a very odd looking pair of fellows. They looked to be around the same age but one came up only a little above his friend's elbow. I looked at my friend who is nearly 2 full feet taller than I am and said, "I bet that's exactly what we look like walking around. Geez. I mean I know I'm a tiny person but I always forget how small I look to others." I certainly don't always feel small. As a young adult, it doesn't really bother me too much how my height is perceived by others. It just means that I have to put twice as much effort into gaining the respect of others. Luckily, my Creator gave me a great assortment of tools that help others see past what I am and into who I am.

I was reading an Prodigal article by Jeremy Statton entitled "The Purpose of the Light." Jeremy made some great observations about how Christians are called out to be "the light of the world," but how we often answer this call in a way that doesn't reflect our Creator's love. He said that, like his kids' flashlight, our light often gets turned into a sort of weapon used to jump out and blind others rather than helping them find their path. I certainly agreed with his points and wanted to share some of my thoughts on the subject.

Like any kind of light, we can't always be standing in front of others shining the light in their eyes and blinding them to all else. An effective lamp isn't one that glares in your face but one that stands with you to help you see the path ahead. If we stand behind others, we do no good. If we stand facing them, we risk blinding them. But if we stand with our fellow sons and daughters, equal to them, we can help them see more clearly. I would also point out that lights do not have the same purpose of road signs. We can't assume to know how long we have left until we reach a destination or in which direction someone should go. That's left between God and that person. What we can do is help illuminate possibilities and from there, we each decide where to go. You can't tell others where to go necessarily, but you can help them get there.

We all know people who represent all these different types of light. Some of them always seem to be in opposition to you. I wrote about this last time in "Be kind..." Their need to be right gets in the way of them being kind. Others loom behind you, trying to tell you where to go from the background but doing nothing but casting shadows and muddling your decisions. Then there are those who know how to effectively be the light. They listen attentively and patiently. Sometimes just talking to them helps shine a light on what you're supposed to do. Sometimes they find that theme that you had been searching too hard to see and gently turn their light on the path you overlooked.

I am just one. And a very small one at that. Maybe that's why I've always been drawn to the metaphor of "being the light." Even a small flame can greatly dissipate the darkness, no matter how vast. You don't have to be a big light to shine brightly.

I'd love to hear what else you all have to add.

Be kind to each creature,

Noelle

"Be kind...

. . .everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."  - Ian MacLaren

I know it's been a bit since I last posted. Much of that is because I needed to go home and disconnect. But a lot has been bouncing around in my brain and I didn't want to share it until I had time to ruminate a little. I read the above quote a while back but for some reason, all last week it was plastered to the forefront of my mind like a neon sign. Another of my favorite quotes which is exceedingly similar to the one above is from the 1950 movie, "Harvey." The main character, Elwood, cites some wisdom from his mother who used to tell him, "In this world, Elwood, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant" to which Elwood adds, "Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant." It's a great movie.

We get so caught up in the push and pull of daily life - we compete to be recognized among our peers, we compete through petty one-upmanship, we even compete for the best parking spot. I'm not at all immune. Several days ago, one of my favorite bloggers, Rachel Held Evans, mentioned in a response to a comment that she often had trouble keeping "a teachable spirit." When I read that, I had to sit back in my chair and take a breath. I love to learn, but I'm not always receptive to what I NEED to learn.

One of the lessons that was hardest and took the longest for me was the one to learn humility without self-loathing. It's a lesson I struggle with daily. (Last quote, I promise!) C.S. Lewis said, "Humility is not thinking less of yourself but thinking of yourself less." Humility is at the heart of kindness. We stop thinking of ourselves and we begin to take others into consideration. Selflessness is not just about volunteering or opening doors for people. It's not just about having empathy for those less fortunate than you. It's also about just being kind to people. We beg for the same forgiveness that we so often refuse to our own friends. They make mistakes or say something they don't actually mean, and we jump on the instant to prove them wrong. Most importantly, we want to prove we're right. There's no fail-safe way to learn which battles to fight and which to humbly bow out of. But remember, "everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

Some of us are close to victory in our current battles and some of us are hopelessly lost in the trenches of doubt  and fear. Some people feel a lot better about their chances of winning than others. Without a doubt, we all end up sticking our feet in our mouths and accidentally saying the wrong thing to the wrong person at the wrong time. Again, this is a specialty of mine. However, I try to overcome my own burning need to be right by reminding myself that everyone - my classmates, my friends, my co-workers, that person I avoid in Walmart - everyone is fighting a hard battle.

That said, be kind to each creature.

 - Noelle

Polka-Dotted Goats and Cotton Candy Hover Crafts

Hey, I had to title it something that would make you read this, right? So listen, this week...I think the word "meh" intimates the best approximation of what this week has been. Yesterday in particular was one of those days where one thing goes kind of the opposite to your plans and then for the rest of the day you feel completely inadequate and pray for Jesus to make you invisible whilst you duck under your steering wheel because you didn't see the ONE WAY sign...twice. But I digress.

Instead of posting anything thought-provoking (although I promise something awesome is coming soon), I'm going to post some stuff that makes me feel better. This first one is a clip from the Muppets of a short-lived character named Don Music. I feel like Mr. Music on a daily basis.

And here is a picture of Harpo Marx, the second-oldest of the famous Marx Brothers, with Amelia Earhart. Y'all, Amelia Earhart has been my hero since grade school. I did a report on her in 3rd or 4th grade and since then I have been enchanted by her beauty, grace, spirit, and courage. This is a picture so full of awesome that one must sit and just marinate in it. Here you go. And you're welcome.
(Shout out to http://awesomepeoplehangingouttogether.tumblr.com/)

That's all I got today, my friends. Be kind to each creature,

Noelle

You Betta Believe It

As I'm writing, one of our betta fish (thus, the awful pun that is the title of this post) is shooting across his bowl at high enough speeds for me to hear him. I'm sitting about 12 feet away. Little guy is booking it. And what does he find on the other side of the bowl? Nothing. There's not glimpse of disappointment or confusion. Just a launching spurt of energy, a small splash, and a quick turnaround. What I see in this fish right now is a whole lot of myself.

Maybe he was feeling confined and thought that his best chances of escape were these flailing bursts that turn him into a little fish-bullet. I've been there. My roommate has to constantly reconstruct my undergrad experience for me because I shot through so much of it that I really can't remember what happened when. I finished in the traditional 4 years, but within those years I had the most substantial of my life experiences against a kaleidoscopic backdrop of student organizations, jobs, academic commitments, and personal growth. Much of it was involuntary and totally out of my control. But a lot of it was also my attempt to push out of where I was - mentally, emotionally, and spiritually - in desperate bursts very much like our little bowl-bound friend. I wasn't unhappy or running from anything necessarily, I just felt the overwhelming freedom that most newly released creatures feel when the cage door of adolescence shoots up. So, instead of wild parties, passionate love affairs, or Lifetime-worthy drama, I jumped head first into the waves of more savory endeavors. I waded into the waters of student leadership, social clubs, campus ministries, and academic involvement. By the fall semester of my senior year, I was involved in half a dozen organizations, taking 22 hours of classes (where's a time-turner when you need one?), and working 2 jobs. Wading turned into swimming. Swimming turned into snorkeling. Snorkeling turned into deep-sea, no-tank diving in the San Andreas Fault. I was engulfed.

There was a point during which I spent most of my spare time apologizing for sending an assignment to the right professor but for the wrong class or for being late to one meeting or another. But like any challenging time, I learned more than I ever had before, and not just in class. Actually, I learned the most outside of class. I attended a small, public, liberal arts college. There was a ton of overlap in my daily life. I often tell my friends from larger colleges, if you did anything at my undergrad, you did everything at my undergrad. They should award degrees for plate-spinning. Now that I look at the bowl, our little sea sprinter is resting calmly on his decorative glass stones. Not just because he's just plum tuckered out (proof I'm from the South), but because it necessary. I had to take time to just be. In these times of quiet, I sat under trees and talked with those closest to me. We forged relationships in laughter, sadness, joy, and quiet. Often at 2 in the morning buy, hey, you take what you can get.

I'm in a very different season of my life now compared to where I was this time last year. I'm not rushing headlong into the waters of May, praying to survive student teaching. I'm not rushing anywhere. I'm less involved, or maybe just involved in less, than I have been in the past 4 years. It's doesn't feel natural at all and I'm hoping to find at least some puddles to splash around in this semester. But compared to the fleeting torpedo that my life was in my undergrad years, I look a lot more like a grad school jellyfish now (metaphorically speaking, of course). That's not to say I'm not busy. I definitely am. But I am no longer in a fish bowl of opportunities just begging for me to jump in. There are many doors open before me now, but I can't choose them all. It's very different and I am adjusting. My Creator is preparing me, I think. What for, I'm not yet sure. But there is something in the works and so I am just putting one paw in front of the other until I get where I'm going.

I'd like to end some of my posts with questions because other folks do that and other folks are better at what they do than I am. Where are you in your life now? Are you torpedoing through your fish bowl or floating in a clear current? Maybe you're somewhere in the middle like me? I'd love to hear about it.

Be kind to each creature,

Noelle

Meet the Creature

Hello, internet! I suppose that this is where I introduce myself. I'll try to repress the awkwardness here but let's be honest, that's not going to happen. I'll start with the facts:

1. My name is Noelle
2. I'm a graduate student in Mississippi (my home state) and...
3. You're probably already bored

Well, if you've made it this far, I grant you my undying gratitude...and my first born. I prefer to take in information that is clearly organized so I'm going to break the rest down into sub-sections of equal caliber to the post thus far. You can hardly wait; I know.

Why the Title

My favorite 'name' for God is Creator. And my favorite way to imagine myself is as a creation. However, as humans we are often tethered to our 'creature' side. We hunger, we lust, we envy, we fear. The 'creature' keeps our bodies alive; the 'creation' seeks the divine. (The basis of all this comes from a book titled Christian Doctrine by Shirley C. Guthrie. I haven't finished reading it, but I highly recommend it.) I'm not suggesting that everything is one or the other. Or that God doesn't want us to answer the call of our growling stomachs.  Instead, I want to talk about the in-between. That space in which I find myself most often. Yes, answer the hunger. No, don't eat an entire box of snack cakes. (This may or may not have happened before.) As a creature/creation, I strive to overcome my harmful creature instincts so that I can better glorify and thank my Creator. Along with all that, I also consider myself a fairly creative spirit. I write poetry and make up songs and have done so for most of my life. Music is always playing in my head. And so, here we are. I'm not naturally predisposed toward divulgence so I'm funneling my creative tendencies into this blog.

The Goal of This Blog

Honestly, there isn't one. I don't know a lot, but experience has taught me that sharing our stories helps us learn as much about ourselves as it does others. I'm certain I'll get something out of this. Perspective, hopefully. If you gain something as well, then I'll consider it a great blessing of which I have no ownership. Here's what I can promise: 

• This blog will never be used in the spirit of passive-aggression, hatred, or humiliation nor will it have patience for those who seek to espouse such vitriol.
• Honesty is job #1. With that in mind, dear reader, please allow me the grace of the occasional misstep. I do not claim to speak for anyone else besides myself. I will be as tactful as I can be. Please, keep me in check if I go astray, but let's all agree to follow the Golden Rule.
• I will attempt to make you laugh at least once a week. I can't promise you'll actually laugh, but I can at least promise to try, right?

The Set-Up

To the left is a little about me. To the right are a few sites I go to daily. I'll post more as I find more. I don't foresee myself taking part in any sort of recurring theme days like "Movie Quote Mondays" or "Things That Make You Wish It Was Friday Thursdays," but I am totally open to wherever this thing goes. I'm also open to suggestions so if you want to know my thoughts on something, ask away! Reader Beware: You may release a mental Kraken, but fear not, it's a friendly Kraken.

And that's pretty much all there is to know! I will make every effort to post as often as I can. I am excited about the possibilities of this project and I look forward to sharing in some conversations with you all. Until next time, my friends!

Be kind to each creature,

Noelle