This time last year, I was fully submerged in the rapids of student-teaching. It wasn't an altogether negative experience. It wasn't a day at the fair, either. Of course, coming to the deep, undeniable realization that I did not want to teach made each day a challenge. But I did it well enough, I gave complete effort to providing good lessons for my students, and I trudged onward. Toward the end of the spring semester, I began looking more to the future. I had applied to a grand total of one graduate school to pursue a degree in Higher Education Student Affairs (you don't have to have a master's degree to have affairs with students, but I hear it helps).
Worst. Decision.
Now, this was totally against my nature. I am not the most meticulous planner in the world, but I do like to know what my next steps are. I still can't really explain why I only applied to one school. To drive the lesson home, I was rejected weeks after driving hours and hours to participate in a whirlwind preview day/rapid-fire interview process. It broke my heart. I felt incompetent; I felt like a failure. So, I made the next logical step and applied to teach overseas with a Christian-based company I had never heard of before. One application and phone interview later, I was accepted. Luckily, I chose not to go that route, either. A mentor of mine alerted me to the fact that the university in the town next to the one in which I was completing my undergrad degree was still accepting folks for their Student Affairs program.
I am happy where I am now that I'm here, but at the time, I applied to that program with equal parts shame and chagrin. I wanted to go somewhere. It felt like I was making a lateral move and instead of getting a 'real life,' I was just moving 30 minutes down the road.
Things have worked out and I'm happy with my decision. I am not wasting resources and, instead, I'm trying to be intentional about getting the most out of my time here. It's going very well.
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I have thought about how things worked out and how they all coincided with the backdrop of my life. I was in fairly new territory spiritually. I had recently converted from being a lifelong Catholic and joined the Presbyterian Church (PC-USA, if you care to know). I was really happy with that decision and I felt God urging me on in my path toward self-awareness and spiritual growth. Around the same time, I became a pesceterian and had also taken up running. The new diet stuck. The running came and went like Kramer. Last semester, I finally buckled down and started training for a 5k. It went really well but after the race, I quit. I let myself replace the time I spent running with other things.
Now, I'm running again. My body is remembering how to do it quicker than it did last semester and I'm really trying to stay diligent. Every time I run, the same thought occurs to me. God has been training me for a marathon for a while now. Spiritually, relationship-wise, physically, emotionally, academically - God's been telling me:
"Be patient, little one. Don't wear yourself out sprinting; pace yourself. Wait."
Oh, that word. WAIT. Do we ever like to hear it? Not unless you know something bad's about to happen. "Wait! The dancing bears are still limbering up in the tent. Don't remove the stakes!" But when you're young and ready for something new, saying no to it and moving on to something a lot smarter but a lot less exciting can be frustrating. Sometimes I feel like a little hamster just panting inside my wheel and getting nowhere. But I know that's not true. As I train my body to endure longer and longer distances, I'm training myself to be patient with my life. I'm not always going to have the satisfying structure of school to mandate which direction I go in next. I'm learning to wait. In the meantime, I'm seeking to strengthen the weak points of my life. I'm taking care of my body, I'm pursuing a closer communion with God and my fellow creations, and I'm trying be more patient with myself and my shortcomings. When it's time to make the next big change in my life, I'll be ready.
The call to 'be still' is sometimes much harder to answer than the call to boldly leap forward. So I'm learning to pace myself and listen to my Creator. As with familiarizing yourself with a new place, the best way to soak in your surroundings and get your bearings is to be patient and slow down. Pace yourself. Wait.
