Retreat

I can feel myself needing one. Needing a retreat. I've always thought that was a strange term. We don't usually like to imagine ourselves "retreating." It sounds an awful lot like giving up and surrendering. But it's also not a pleasure cruise. Jesus didn't walk into the desert to redeem a gift card for a 40-day spa and hot rock massage get-away. Recently baptized and 'full of the spirit,' he ate nothing and was tempted by the devil the whole time. Not much of a vacation.

Let's be honest, this little creature is not about to go wandering into the desert (or to Gulf Coast, since that's about as close as I can get to the desert) and go 40 days without eating. Then again, I ain't Jesus. But we are called to be like him. I'm giving up the things that keep me from fully loving God, myself, and others. Not all at once, of course, but I am making an effort. Like what they say about eating an elephant (or like eating a 6-foot cucumber, since I don't eat meat) - you do it one bite at a time.

I'm chipping away at the little bricks that I've laid around my heart in an effort to use this Lent as a withdrawal not from the world, but from what the bad things in this world have led to in my life. I'm reassessing the defenses I've formed against future attacks of pain, loss, guilt, and regret. But even in the midst of Lent, I find myself getting lost in the work of Lent and not spending enough time processing it all.

I need a break from the noise spinning around the Lenten bubble I'm living in right now. I have made real changes in my daily life, but there's always that nagging routine.

Eat, work, class, eat, meeting, study, eat, sleep (optional). 

Repeat at least 5 times weekly for best results.

That's why I am starting to believe more and more in the power of meditative prayer. The whole reason I'm focusing my efforts this Lent on processing the things I've ignored is because I never have before. I can't risk falling back into that habit. To power a change in lifestyle I have to change my daily process. I'm building upon my new routines day by day. And now, I'm feeling the strain. It's not the strain of Lent itself, it's the strain from the friction between my outgoing habits and the incoming new ones.

It's the kind of thing that makes me want to go all Into the Wild on my life. Not that I don't think I'd look amazing with a sunburn and a beard, but I don't need that much of a retreat. I just need a breath. A time to sit still and re-synchronize my spirit with the quiet Voice that calls me along. The thing is, I honestly don't have time to just pause everything for a weekend. I literally won't be free until April. I'm going to have to find a way to create a mini-retreat for myself right here in the space I'm already in. 

I think it's just another lesson that this Lent is teaching me. I can't always rely on there being a natural ebb to my daily business. Sometimes, to take time away you've got to fight for it and create it.

How is your Lent (or just your life) going? How do you find/make the time to retreat and be still?

For further listening:

Presence of the Lord - Lizz Wright

Cold is the Night - The Oh Hello's

To Be Alone with You - Sufjan Stevens