An Acceptable Time

I should probably be waiting a little time to write this post, but I want this to be as fresh as possible. In the Career Counseling class I just got out of, we participated in guided imagery in which we were asked to imagine ourselves at the bottom of a staircase. We noticed what our surroundings were, what the staircase looked like, and how long the staircase was. We then "climbed" each step. As we imagined this, we were asked to imagine that each step was a year. One step up, one year gone. By the time we reached the top, we were ten years into our future. Before us was a door. We looked at the door and took note of what color it was and what it was made of. 

Up to this point, I was fairly relaxed. My stairs were a well-polished oak with thick and just-so-slightly stylized rails. But where was my staircase? IN SPACE. I wasn't anywhere, I was just in space. There weren't planets or anything around me. It was just black with faint, sparkling stars all around in the distance. There was nothing behind or below me. And at the top of the staircase? Well, that was the worst part.

As I imagined myself climbing up the years of my life, my mental image of what each year looked like became more and more vague. My breathing grew quicker and more shallow. I knew that I had no idea what I would find at the top. After we finally "opened" the door, we were asked to look around and describe the room we were in. My thoughts were increasingly leaning toward, "I'm doing this completely wrong. There is definitely a malfunction in my brain. What is wrong with me?"

Because when I opened the red, wooden door to see what my life would look like in ten years this is what I saw:

NOTHING

It was horrifying. There was only blackness. It was emptier than the space I had just been surrounded by. We looked at this image for several minutes. In that time, nothing solidified. The few glimpses of images I did catch were just that - glimpses. Nothing certain. Nothing whole.

As we closed the door and came back down the staircase and back into reality, I came out of the exercise not "calm and pleasant" as the exercise prompted, but shaken. Very. Thoroughly. Shaken.

Here I am, getting my master's degree so I can help students find their paths and I have no future. There's nothing at the top of my staircase.

We were asked to draw a picture of what we saw behind our door. I could only draw myself with a compass that pointed nowhere and several roads laid out in front of me. One led to a college setting where my current trajectory most naturally is pointing. One led abroad to an undisclosed location where I would be doing goodness knows what. The other path led to a giant purple question mark. It was the most honest road and certainly the most frightening.

I had to carefully consider what this meant for me. As my classmates discussed who was with them on their staircase, I thought about my alone-ness. As they talked about the decor of their room behind the door, I thought about that empty chasm that made me physically tremble.

I had no answers. I'm supposed to know what my life will be like in 10 years - at least somewhat, right? But I didn't see a single solid thing. So, I asked God. I was afraid and I turned to my Creator, pleading for some peace. And what I got back was:

"In an acceptable time."

I was desperate to know what was at the top of my staircase. Over an hour later, it still makes me shake to think of that absolute void I gazed into behind the red wooden door. But what I heard in my heart from the One who made me was that all things would be clear in an acceptable time. 

This is surely not the first nor will it be the last time that I will have a question with no answer. But Jesus never answered a question without love for the asker. Yes, he often would turn the question around on that person because they had some ulterior motive for asking or he would tell a story and let that person come to the answer on his or her own terms. Today was a time in which I got a simple, straightforward but still hard to swallow answer. The one that I have already talked about and constantly struggle with when it comes to myself and my life. 

Wait. 

All will be clear in an acceptable time.

Not in 15 minutes. 

           Not in a week. 

                 Not in a month.

 But when I am ready to accept the answer, I will know the answer. So, although it is not natural or easy, I am trusting my Creator. I will take one step at a time. Not a step that spans one year, but a step that spans one breath. That's all I can do.

There's nothing at the top of my staircase - AND THAT'S OKAY. It doesn't mean that I have no future. It doesn't mean that I have no purpose. It just means that I simply don't know yet. Not knowing is incredibly scary, but in the darkness of the valley of doubt and fear, I know that I am taken care of by the One who is making all things work for my good.

For further listening:

Sparrow & O My Soul - Audrey Asaad

Please Be My Strength - Gungor

Doubting Thomas - Nickel Creek

I'm Getting Ready - Michael Kiwanuka